Dear Liz

  Liz,

As I sat down to write to you I opened my journal to this time last year.  I wanted to see where I was emotionally.   To my surprise today is the exact date that Sam and I first visited with you!  It was a big step in the right direction.

So, where are we now?  The good news is we are still moving forward.  Of course there have been bumps but for the most part they aren’t setbacks.  

Intimacy is still my sore spot.  For several months I was able to find a place for it without dread or expectation but eventually I could see I was putting a band aid on a wound that needed to be dealt with.  Past fears were emerging sprinkled with duty sex.  This made me mad, and I knew deep inside I haven’t fully worked through my issues.  What are my issues?

1. I don’t trust Sam with my heart.  Truly connecting with or having Sam approach me for sex is a huge trigger.  I immediately feel scared when he pursues me because I feel obligated.  Saying no to sex has almost never ended well so with our “new start” I was committed to liking sex!  I wanted to have part in sex!  I got ahead of it by creating a way to avoid rejecting him by ensuring we had sex often (4x a week) and me pursuing him before he could come to me. As long as I felt I had a choice in it I could do it without feeling obligated.  This seemed to work at first but a few months in, my heart was fearing his touch if/when he beat me to the advances.  This is when I realized it wasn’t the solution. It was the band aid.  I could see past patterns of fear and knew I was bringing the old Ember to this new marriage.  I need to pull the band aid off.  What does that look like?  No surprise  to you- It’s showing up in my marriage.  It sounds easy but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life.    I need to GIVE my HEART to Sam and I need to show up with passions, desires, and expectations of my own.  I can’t be the other half of him without bringing something to the table.  This is when I realized my second problem:
2. I need to discover my passions.  I believed for so long that I was “broken”, non sexual, and had low a sex drive.  Deep inside I knew these were lies but I let them be true because they were protecting me from letting Sam in my heart.  I suppressed all passion.  I would avoid all physical touch or romantic advances because I resented him and I was too afraid to tell him and I was trying to avoid connecting.  He would get sex but he wasn’t getting my heart.  In doing this I was punishing myself too. Instead of giving my sexuality to my husband I suffocated it. I deprived myself from my sexuality.    We were both deprived from a power, I offer as a woman, to my husband.  I knew all those years I wasn’t giving myself to him.  He didn’t deserve me.  I don’t believe that anymore.  He does deserve me and I deserve that part of me as well!  I want to offer that to our marriage.  I want to show up, as his wife, with this power I hold, to add to his offering to me.   I now see the beauty of intimacy because I see both sides of it.  My side has been lacking.  I’m beginning to understand the power of a woman’s love and her ability to heal, love, and strengthen a man.  A good man deserves to receive the POWER of love from the woman he loves, which leads me to problem #3.
3. I don’t believe Sam loves me.  I believed this for 23 years.  Remember when I told you about the movie we watched in Vegas?  I saw Sam in the kindness and love the man offered his wife in the movie but wouldn’t allow myself to see it in my reality.  This happened again.  In my searching for desire and passion my eyes have been opened to what this looks like.  To my surprise it looks exactly like what Sam is offering me, but I was viewing it through a glass darkly.  To me it looked like he was trying to get more sex when in reality he was caring more about connecting with me and pleasing me and seeking my heart.  Showing up with MY sexuality- I now see his offering.  

These problems have answers and I know where all the answers lie- Inside my heart.  365 days have passed since we first walked into your door and I see God has continued to open doors for me.  I’m gathering the courage to open my heart like all these other doors.  It’s not easy but I do know it’s the answer.  I can trust my heart to Sam by believing he adores me. Believing I am desirable. Believing I have an offering in intimacy and I don’t need to be afraid to own it or use it.  Believing in love again has been a year in progress.  Not only do I believe in love- I believe love  has the ability to create miracles!

 I’m Looking forward to meeting with you soon!

Love,

Ember Hobi