Caffeine and Naps

     My eyes haven’t opened yet, but I know it is a cloudy day.  The sun might be shining in reality but my

mind doesn’t accept it.  I went to sleep just fine, slept through the night, but the happy part of me doesn’t

wake up with the alarm.  It is unexplainable.

I have 2 small kids to get off to school.  This should be a good thing, because it will offer an empty house for a few hours, but the work it requires to get them there doesn’t feel worth it.  The “work” consists of waking them up, feeding them, and driving them to school 2 miles away. It will take less than 20 minutes.  Today it is work, yesterday it was simple. The rest of the day I am chasing caffeine, and a nap.  I can’t find anything good in the day, except ice cream, which is (and always has been) my loyal companion when I am like this.

Near the end of the day I am still in my pajamas, hair unbrushed, and still tired.  Sam notices immediately when he walks through the door that I am not myself.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks, wrapping me in his arms.

I avoid eye contact because the tears are imminent. I didn’t know I needed to cry. I don’t want to cry.  I have nothing to cry about.  Why am I crying?

He knows the signs.  I am having a mental health day.  Just like the Flu, I can't plan for this.  It takes control and all I can do is roll with it. I call it a win if the 3 year old didn’t escape out the front door, without me noticing-wearing only his underwear, and screen time is disabled for the entire day. 

It doesn’t make sense that Sam’s presence brings relief because I am not doing anything that I need to be relieved from, but it does.  I want to be alone, and he knows this about me but he wants to keep me close. He tells me he hates to see me this way and wants to make it better.  The rest of the evening he shields me from all the things that normally bring me joy as a mom.  I never know if tomorrow will be a better day.  I can’t identify why it comes or how it goes.  I can only wait.

With this  particular episode “tomorrow” is a better day. The next morning I mowed the lawn and cleaned the garage.(?!)  I know I am not alone in this so I write about it because it makes me feel better when I hear someone else explain the exact same sadness that takes them out of the game. I don’t feel so broken. Looking back, each experience is similar. Without realizing it, I use the same nouns when I write. Rain, umbrella, sad, ice cream, tears, tired, darkness, and Sam.  They are fiercely loyal to my misery, the most loyal, being Sam.  He gets it.  He sees the dark clouds rolling in before I do.  When the rain hits, he is already holding the umbrella.  This has not always been the case.  In years past, I wanted to use the umbrella (that I dug out myself) and beat him on the head with it. (Misery likes company) We have come a long way.  In the beginning, my support was my journal and God, because my marriage was a mess. Now it is Sam and God that hold me together when my life is a mess. Things change.  Hang in there.  God’s rainbow arrives after the storm. Genesis 9